Friday, December 4, 2009

Internal Struggle

I have many people who follow my blog and this comes from a woman who seems so much like me. She explains my feelings to a tee. I encourage you to read what  she has to say, as it tells my internal struggle with this lifestyle.

Over the years, I've seen many women come on these lists we all frequent, yearning for our lifestyle. And they hunger so much for it, they finally confess to their husbands, hoping to make this secret part of themselves a reality.

Some of them, sadly, don't get their dreams fulfilled. And some of them end up saying goodbye to all their friends on the list, saying that this desire of theirs is so intense, so hard to live with, that they need to leave. They need to put all thoughts of the lifestyle out of their head and pray to God they can find happiness without it. They hope, fervently, that they can forget this lifestyle forever.

Many of those women come back, eventually. Because it's not just a thing you can forget.

I've tried forgetting this lifestyle, too. For the past couple years, Mister Sir has been working on a ship in the ocean for much of the year. He's so far away, I hardly get to see him.

 I confess there are times I've just lost it, saying I wish I'd never heard of spanking, that I wish I never had to write another spanking story again, and that I wish I could just cut this part out of myself.

The desire is so fierce, and when it is unfulfilled, it's just pure torture.

I don't know how to describe this lifestyle to people. I don't know how to explain that even one spank from a man I love can set my whole world to rights, can relax me completely, make me feel grounded and settled and safe.

How can I make someone understand that while I'm a vehement supporter of woman's rights, it thrills me to the core to obey the one I love?

Not getting this part of my life fulfilled is miserable.

I'd venture to say this lifestyle is a bit like being gay. It's just a part of me, has been since first grade, before I had any clue what sex was. No matter what I do, it's part of my makeup. I don't believe it's a part of every woman or that there are any "shoulds" in humanity or the lifestyle, but I do believe it's not something I can cut out of myself.

I feel like I can connect, just a little, with a gay friend who once told me, "Dear God, I tried everything I could to be normal. I would have given my left arm to be normal. If I had been given the choice, I would have chosen to be normal."

I'm not sure I would go so far as to choose to be normal. I love this lifestyle with all my heart. Living without it--both before I met Mister Sir and while he's been gone or otherwise occupied--is probably the hardest and loneliest thing I've ever done.

And because it's a lifestyle normally led in secret, the loneliness must be borne alone, a private ache that no one I know understands. Not even Mister Sir.

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