I came across a book that has a lot of the same feelings that I have about sex, punishment, fetishes, the lifestyle… “The Darker Side of Pleasure” This is an excerpt from this book.
She had lived with this void inside of her for the longest time, had felt these urges since childhood. She remembered being 12 or 13 and remembered that the first awakening of her self as a sexual being, becoming aware of what she wanted when the priest or one of the nuns paddled her. And once she recognized her desires, no amount of petting with clumsy teenaged boys could quench the pure need raging inside of her.
Her college boyfriends had been no better. After she’d asked one of them to spank her, he’d told her she was a freak and never called her again. And that’s how she’d thought of herself for a long time; a freak. It had been a relief, finally, to have other people like her on the internet and in books she’d read. People who felt these same dark urges, who needed the same things she needed.
But now she knew. She knew what she wanted, and it appeared as though she was going to get it – in ways she hadn’t even imagined.
This was a revelation. The full weight of what she was doing hadn’t really struck her until Master Robert had her over his lap. This sense of yielding she’d felt with him was so much more then she could have hoped for. That sense of giving over control. She felt more a woman then she ever had before. And she felt more natural about the yearnings that had haunted her all of her adult life.